A pathetic zombified John Wayne makes yet another feeble attemptto fit in with Hollywood's swankiest while sipping a "low fat Gingerbread Latte."HOLLYWOOD, California (Banana Yam International)--Yesterday, hundreds of fabulously dressed onlookers were shocked as they gathered at the Hollywood Walk of Fame to find the zombified corpse of legendary Hollywood screen star John Wayne shuffling along the sidewalk.
"I'm gay! And I want to eat your brains pilgrums!" declared the legendary film star.
His exclamations were met with jeers.
"Tell us something we didn't know honey," cried a finely clad man sipping a glass of Pinot Noir.
Enraged by the suggestion that his sexual orientation was "common knowledge" Wayne grabbed a young female tourist from Tokyo, smashed her skull like it was the hard topping of a creme broulet dessert and consumed her brains with a low fat Gingerbread Latte from a nearby Starbucks.
"Jesus, he'll have to try harder than that," sneered Josie Marino of San Francisco, California.
"A zombie eating brains! Never seen that before!" an unnamed companion added sarcastically.
Gary Ford, also of San Francisco, had traveled with his life partner to the spot in front of what used to be Groman's Chinese Theater. "Well, I'm not impressed. I mean, here he's dead to the world for thirty years and then all of the sudden he's all, 'I'm gay! I'm gay!' Honey, you're just about ten years too late to be shocking!"
The gay John Wayne zombie was captured later in the day on Rodeo Drive by Beverly Hills fashion police. However, on orders of President Bush, Wayne was transported to Washington, D.C.
"He's a personal hero of mine," Bush said, "And I want to shake his hand. Even if it's a big, gay hand, it's still the Duke. And that's the Duke's hand. That's the Duke's big, gay hand. We won't get fooled again. I think I'm choking on a peanut."
The transport plane carrying Wayne's body, however, crashed just outside of the nation's capitol. Wayne was the lone survivor. He wandered away from the wreckage and proceeded to the Capitol Building. There, he created a scene of slaughter and mayhem before being recaptured by Washington police.
"He ate the brains of every Republican Congressperson," said Barak Obama (D-Illinois), "And then he started screaming that he was still starving. Then he came after us!"
"Well, that's not surprising," said University of Columbia gay zombie expert Troy McBain, "Our studies have shown conclusively that Republican brains have no inherent nutritional value for zombies. Plus, they're very, very small."
"But speaking of very, very small," McBain continued, "Only someone with half a zombie brain would dress like this guy! It's like Midnight Cowboy meets The Man from Ascot!" McBain illustrated his disgust with Wayne's apparel by inserting his index finger into his mouth and pointing toward the back of his throat. "The torn up and bloody look is so five years ago and that's brain goo, Mr. Wayne--not leave-in conditioner. How about a shower after our little bloody rampage hissy fit?"
Even following the carnage at the Capitol Dome, President Bush expressed his desire to meet the gay John Wayne zombie. "Homosexuality is a disease. It's a psycho--psycholic--pscyhomological... its' a disease of the brain. It can be cured."
Yesterday, in a special White House Rose Garden ceremony, President Bush came face-to-face with his childhood idol.
"You're a great American, Mr. Wayne," Bush told the blood-soaked ghoul.
The gay John Wayne zombie groaned before attempting to sodomize the President.
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